Why and How Did You Start Widows Talk?

The why came, in part, when I was serving on my church board at the time of my husbands’ death. I became the go-to person for widows and their families as they planned a funeral for their loved one. Most of them were unprepared for the emotional and financial aspect of planning a funeral. In many ways even harder was how to move forward with their lives in the absence of their life partner.

I had first-hand knowledge in that area. When my husband died 16 years ago, I was filled with so many mixed emotions, feelings, and thoughts. After thirty-three years of a wonderful marriage, I now had to walk alone, without the benefit of being able to lean on my husband for support. Grief is real, VERY real and at times the sorrow seemed overwhelming. Knowing that the happy times I shared with my love were now memories; even the times that weren’t so happy made us stronger in our commitment to each other…these became a foundation for MOVING FORWARD.

Everyone handles loss in their own way. We end up at varying crossroads. After my husband’s death I felt pulled in many different directions. I still had a family to care for. My mother was suffering from Alzheimer’s. There was still a business to run, properties to manage, commitments to keep. Now I was faced with a new normal. Who am I and where am I going, and what the heck do I do with the rest of my life became a mantra I asked myself daily. As my heart began to slowly wake up to a different life, I also became aware that several months had passed. The obligatory dinners with our couple friends had dwindled into virtually non-existence. I felt hurt and abandoned, wondering how the people my husband and I were so close to could suddenly evaporate from my life. My mind began to fantasize that our friends were not mine but his. Since he was no longer in the picture, I didn’t need their attention. I was no longer part of the Couples Club. I did not realize at the time that this is a common situation for widows, oftentimes leading to depression, anger, and uncertainty and eventually a shutdown of sorts. Days become weeks: weeks become months; and in the most severe; months can turn into a year. Single life becomes a puzzle with a few pieces missing.

Fortunately, I was blessed with a wonderful church family. I had faithful friends and colleagues who let me lean on them during this uncertain time. My beloved staff and my family rounded out my support group, making the transition from wife to widow easier to navigate.

My pastor, a loving-friend, became my ‘voice of reason’. He helped me find strength to move forward. Moving Forward became the recipe for Widows Talk. He believed and stated: “You have many diverse talents, multi-fasted like a priceless jewel – You are God’s masterpiece.” It was such a kind, comforting and encouraging thing to say to me at the time. He further advised me to keep moving forward, pursuing, and exploring the things that plopped into my path. I had the freedom to let them percolate but also to discard what didn’t bring happiness to the future. He said, “Sing a New Song!”

Over the years I have sung many verses of a New Song. Some have been off-key, others silly and full of whimsy, but I’m still singing after 16 years.

During this time, I began to diligently journal. I took inventory of my feelings and thoughts and wrote them down. This helped to separate feelings and fears from fantasy and produce clarity with facts that where actual events had occurred. Isn’t it amazing the things our minds can conjure up and the way they influence our thought process. Painful memories can sneak in and steal our joy. I learned that forgiveness was key. But more importantly, forgetting was a more key component to healing. No one can truly ‘forgive’ if they are unwilling to ‘forget’. Understand your memory can trigger those negative thoughts again and again but your continued forgiveness helps to park the injury in a tomb that can no longer hurt and irritate you keeping you free from painful memories.

My husband and I shared a passion for entertaining our family and friends. He cooked! I entertained! We were the perfect team. Now, how was I to continue without him? I was reminded of my pastor’s blessing and his encouragement to “sing a new song!” “Just do it,” he said…so I did! I focused on what ‘I’ did best, which was to entertain. I didn’t worry about the food part. Silly me! I didn’t need to COOK! Just ORDERED IT! WARM and SERVE became my motto. PERFECT!

I began hosting monthly luncheons and dinners for widows. My favorite thing was visualizing a theme for the table then creating a dining experience that would evoke beautiful memories for us all. It also provided a distraction from the ‘food issue’ and gave me peace and joy in providing a festive event for the dear women with which I shared a common bond – widowhood.

We ladies shared many enjoyable conversations, sitting around the table. During these times I remembered my travels with my husband to far-off places, and in turn I also remembered our special holiday celebrations. As we talked and talked and talked, we moved into the new life we were meant to live and essentially to love. We were indeed Moving Forward.

There was one friend who had a hard time finding her path. She simply could not find her way towards hope, a future, and her purpose in life. As she began to withdraw from our group she slowly faded away. I found my heart breaking for her. If she was lost, how many more were following in her footsteps. Six months after her husband passed, my friend followed.

Those of us who remained continued to “Talk the Talk” and “Walk the Walk”. We bolstered each other up and together we pushed through our pain. We became a team, finding passion and purpose in our lives once again. I thought to myself there must be a way to reach others who are hurting and seeking a new path to follow. Prayerfully searching for the answer “Widows Talk” was born.

I sincerely hope you will share your stories with us here at Widows Talk.